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One of the very first genetically modified organisms, and the one that convinced the courts to grant patents on life forms, was a bacteria designed to clean up oil. It didn’t work, but it did open the floodgates for corporations to profit from creating modified life forms. Most of these have been better for the companies involved than they have for the rest of us. Genetically modified versions of corn are considered “different enough” that a patent is granted - yet at the same time they are considered “the same” enough that the FDA doesn’t require labeling of a product that contains GMO. We’re pretty much the only developed nation that does not label GMO, by the way.

So a large-scale experiment is going on right now with the American public as the test subjects. To date, the results don’t look too good. These GMOs went into large-scale use in our food supply in the early nineties and the correlation to that time frame as the beginning of a sudden increase in obesity, diabetes and cancer rates is a coincidence that is hard to explain away. And as other countries watch our experiment they don’t get very enthusiastic about GMO. Especially if they have a not-for-profit healthcare system that doesn’t make money when people get sick. They can’t afford to feed their population the way we do.

The other obvious problem with GMOs is that once in the environment they don’t behave like other products we produce. Because they are a living thing they do what living things do. They spread and mutate into places and things we didn’t expect, imagine or want. The environment is so incredibly complex, as are our bodies, that all the potential outcomes are beyond current science to predict. But in our arrogance we continue to think we know better than nature. Our scientific discovery and practical abilities are stunning but our willingness to conduct large-scale live experiments on our environment and ourselves isn’t good science. It’s an attempt to profiteer.

So now the idea of a new genetically modified bacteria for cleaning up the BP oil spill is rearing it’s slimy head. Alcanivorax borkumensis is a naturally occurring bacteria that relies on oil to provide it with energy. Within it’s DNA is the secret that allows the organism to break down oil and use it as food and to use organic and inorganic nitrogen. By sequencing the genome of this little guy they hope to create an oil eating superhero.  

And who knows, it might work. But I’d be willing to bet there will be a side effect that nobody expected. Do we care about side effects? Even the name makes them seem less important. Since there is the “effect” and then there is the “side effect.” Don’t worry about that, it’s just a side effect. I love to listen to all the side effects in the pharma ads on tv. The one that always catches my ear is “thoughts of suicide.“ Wow. They must know this because a certain amount of patients took their lives. Seems like for the person who took the drug and then killed themselves that’s the MAIN EFFECT. No more other “effects” possible once you’re dead. And so it often goes with our current capabilities in tampering with complex systems: we wind up causing our own demise.

So the people who profit from GMO seem to be the same ones so excited about it’s potential and so totally convinced of it’s safety, at least on public record. I have a feeling that many Monsanto executives eat organic food just as a lot of tobacco executives made the choice not to smoke. Yet if they truly are convinced of the technology I suggest we genetically modify the executives themselves. Let’s take what we’re learning and create a strain of oil executive that can eat oil. This has got to be handy when you’re in the oil business. It’s not as if this is the first disaster. If you’re a BP executive you must realize the opportunity to redeem yourself in the eyes of the American public. And hold onto your job by being part of the solution. My guess is a properly modified BP executive could eat a gallon of oil an hour. Now at the rate the oil is flowing into the ocean we would need about 5,000 BP executives eating oil for eight hours a day for the next six years or 100 BP executives eating oil for the next 300 years. Now that is what I call job security and if you survived they’d also prove how safe GMO truly is. They would be heroes. Because they would be the first company with the courage to experiment on themselves. Instead of us.

Illustration by Zeke Bogusky